It's My Pain Too

by Tiffany

Subject: [scully_slash] "It's My Pain Too" (1/1) by Tiffany Date: Tuesday, May 21, 2002 8:54 PM

Title: It's My Pain Too
Author: Tiffany
Email: or Rating: G
Archive: Let me know if you want to put this anywhere...I'll probably say yes, I just like to know where it's going. I'll send it to Gossamer.
Spoilers: William
Content: Scully/Reyes friendship
Summary: Missing Scene from "William", Reyes' POV Disclaimer: Reyes and Scully (and any other XF characters)belong to CC and Fox, not me...
This is a sequel of sorts to my other story, "I'll Be Here." I'll send it to you if you want it, but It's not imperative for the understanding of this story. * My other stories are available at *

"It's My Pain Too"

I expected her to cry, to shout, to do...something. But she just stood there. After giving William one last kiss, she signed the final paper and let the women put her baby into the van.

I remember standing there next to Dana. She had asked me to come over, so that she wouldn't be alone. She didn't say it in so many words, but I felt it.

When the women were locking William into the car-seat I felt sick. It felt so wrong. He wasn't even my child but tears fell down my cheeks. I think I cried because Dana couldn't. She just stood there, stoic. I think that if she had let a single tear fall then, she wouldn't have been able to stop.

Dana should be at home right now, tending to William. She should be living a good life. She would have been a wonderful mother; in fact, she was for a few sweet months. But then reality caught up with her...with us.

And she's standing outside her apartment building, in the exact same spot she was standing when the women drove away with William.

I still can't believe it...or at least I don't want to. That night, after we all came back from the hospital, Dana said something about never being able to protect William. I had thought it was her tiredness speaking. But then morning came.

I had woken up before her, made breakfast. When she wandered out of her bedroom, I could still sense the same feeling that I had felt the night before. She was troubled. I silently handed her a cup of coffee and we sat down.

After what seemed like ages she looked up at me. Her bright blue eyes had become dull, almost gray. "Monica," she licked her lips. "I'm giving him up."

I was confused. I think in the back of my mind I understood, but I didn't want to believe it. "Wh--what do you mean?"

She closed her eyes. "I thought about it all last night. I can't protect him. Not now, probably not ever. THREE times now they've gotten to him, and he's still a baby!"

A lump was forming in my throat. "Dana..." She grabbed my hand from across the table. Her grasp felt so needy, yet so strong.

"Monica...I am giving him up for adoption. There's nothing else to do now." I could hear her voice waver. "I love my son Monica, but what kind of mother would I be if I kept exposing him to danger? I want...I NEED to make sure he is safe. I just--I just don't think he can be safe with me."

I wanted to argue, to shout, to tell her that she couldn't do this...but I knew that she had to do what she had to do. I will never pretend to understand everything she's been though. I know that she found a child once, a child who was biologically her daughter, and that this child died soon after. I also know that Dana had been declared barren, unfertile. William was her miracle baby. Knowing all that, I knew that she would never just decided, without VERY good cause to give William up. From the look in her eyes, I knew her mind was set. So instead of challenging Dana, I decided to be her friend.

"Dana...let me help." She brushed away the lone tear that had fallen from her eye. "I know someone, an old friend who works for a private adoption company. I know it's okay, safe to go through." She tilted her head as if telling me to go on. "You can screen couples yourself, look at their profiles, their history. You can decide who can keep William safe." After a moment of silence I felt her squeeze my hand, still linked with hers.

Her eyes said volumes, but all I heard were two simple words: "Thank you."

That was almost a week ago. now there is one happy couple welcoming a new baby into their homes, Dana's baby. And I'm left standing here with a woman who has had to deal with more tragedy than everyone else I know, put together.

I want to hold her. I want to make her pain, the pent-up tears, the anger all go away. She needs some happiness in her life. The night William was born, after we'd gone to the hospital, Dana had this amazing glow about her. She was...happy. But now that glow is gone. I've seen it dim slowly over the past few months, after Mulder went away.

I honestly don't know want to do. Dana's hurting, hurting deep. But I don't know how to fix this, fix her.

"Monica..." I've been so busy staring into the night sky that I hadn't noticed Dana move beside me. "Monica, would it be okay if I stayed at your place tonight? I don't think I can...I can.." She isn't able to finish the sentence, but her tears are speaking to me. So I life up my arm to gently brush them away.

"Of course, Dana." She gives me a grim smile, her tears ending, for now. I guess she's going to pack a few things for tonight, so I should follow...make sure William's door is closed.

Perhaps she really is letting me in now. I wish she wasn't so stoic, so calm. A few tears probably only make her feel worse. She needs to let it all out. I know it will happen sometime...and when it does, I want to be here for her...I need to be here. Because now, her pain is my pain too.

Dana Scully has captured my heart, she just doesn't know it yet.


Authors notes: Please send FEEDBACK!!! email me at Thanks so much! My webpage is

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Tiffany