by amberbensontotallyrules4eva

By amberbensontotallyrules4eva
DISCLAIMER: The characters don't belong to me; they're the creations of many people, especially Chris Carter. I'm just borrowing them to enact what I wish had happened on the show. Please don't sue; I own nothing, not even the computer that I wrote this on. Oh, and the song belongs to Christina Aguilera and who knows who else. NOTE: A big thank you to Gillian Anderson and Annabeth Gish who portrayed these characters so well that they live on in my mind, even though the show is long gone now. This is my first X-Files fic, please be gentle. :P SUMMARY: Reyes listens to a song while thinking about Scully.


Can you hear it in my voice?

Every time I talk to you my voice trembles. You must hear it; you must know that it's because of you. The closeness of you. It's crazy, I know you're Mulder's, and even if you weren't, you're straight, but I can't help wanting you. Dare I say it? Loving you. There's something about you that transcends reality, somehow. I can't imagine my life without you now that I know you, now that we're friends. The time we spend together is killing me, I just want to touch you, run my hands across your body, and tangle them in your hair. I just want...you. You must be able to tell how much I care for you; I'm sure that it comes across in every word that I speak, every syllable. I love you so much.

Was it something I let slip

I can't believe that I told you that you're beautiful. "You look amazingly beautiful Dana" I can't believe I let my feelings show like that. The way you looked at me, staring into my soul, I think you began to realize that you're more than just a co-worker to me, more than just a friend. I have to get a hold of myself, of these crazy emotions that rage through me whenever you're around. Even when you're not. I can't let it affect what is growing between us. Even if I can never have you the way that I want, you're friendship will be enough. Anything that keeps you in my life will be enough. We haven't mentioned my slip since William was born, but it doesn't mean that you don't think about it, wonder what it might mean about my feelings for you.

Does the whole world know?

I know that Doggett's starting to suspect that my feelings for you go beyond mere caring for a friend. He nearly asked me the other day; I sensed it in his voice when I started talking about you again. He nearly asked outright... "You really care for her don't you?" It was an opening, but I couldn't bring myself to take it. If I talk about this, it will make it more real, and if its anymore real than it is right now, I might just break down and cry every time you're near me. I can try to ignore it if no one else knows. Or, if I can still believe that no one else knows. Lock it down inside my heart and forget that you're everything to me, if only for a second. I can kid myself that all I truly want from you is friendship. It always comes back to me though, no matter how tightly I lock it away. Skinner's even started to wonder I think, I always want you to be involved in a case, unless it threatens your safety, in which case I want you as far away from the danger-zone as possible. They must know. Everyone must know.

Isn't it obvious?

I'm the one who's in control

Normally I'm so together. I can think in a crisis. But I cant think clearly now, not about you. And if these feelings for you don't invoke crisis-mode, then I don't know what should. This is a crisis, because it could damage not only our friendship, but the working-relationship that's so important to the X-Files. I just wish that I could get you out of my head, I need to be calm, collected, I need to be the Monica that everyone's used to seeing, not this emotional car wreck that I am inside. I can try to control my feelings, but they just careen back out of control the second I stop consciously ignoring them. Which doesn't make any sense. How can you consciously ignore something?

Now I'm acting like a fool

I feel like a schoolgirl when I'm around you. A schoolgirl with a crazy crush on the captain of the football team. It's kind of what you're like Dana, kind of who you are...I think everyone in the bureau's had a crush on you at one time or another. How could they help it? You're beautiful, caring in an "I can't get too close" kind of way, always in control; you always know what to do. Why can't I be like you, make my mind an emotional wasteland when its important to not allow feelings to cloud my judgement? I imagine us together all the time. I know I could make you happy Dana, I know that I could be the one that you can turn to and trust to make everything better, if only you'd let me.

Do my feelings show?

They must show. How could they not? You're in every breath I breathe in, you're in every thought I have. Barely a second goes by when I'm not thinking about you, about what we could have if you were only open to trying. I want to run away with you to someplace far away, some place other than this, somewhere where all the problems that we've ever faced together can disappear. Somewhere where your heart doesn't belong to Mulder. It's the wish that I keep bottled inside of my soul.

Is my face aglow?

I can feel the blush that forms on my cheeks every time you touch me. Your touches are like a lightning bolt, each one like a jolt to my heart that reminds me of everything I want yet can never have. My heart skips a beat every time you get close by. I can feel you when you're in the vicinity...damn my heart, if it didn't remind me of how much I need you with every beat, I could hide from these feelings that are swirling around my brain, infusing my body with want, love, need for you. It's all for you Dana.

Isn't it obvious?

That I don't know what I'm doing anymore

It's true, I don't have the slightest idea. The only thing I know is that everything that I do is aimed to gain your approval. Your smile when I've done something that you are proud of is more of a reward than anything else could be. Except maybe your love. I'm like a child begging for its mother's approval. Only you're not my mother, and the love I feel for you is not that of a child's for its mother. It's deep, soul wrenching, devastating knowing that it will never be returned. I will protect you Dana, just so that I can see that smile of yours. So beautiful. I wish that your life had been such that it would allow that smile to be bestowed on the world more often. But it hasn't, and I can't take your past away, I can only hope that somehow my friendship and love for you can help to ease the pain that I know lurks deep in your soul.

I'm feeling like a little girl

I feel like a child, I don't know what to do when you're not around, and I know it even less when you are. But a child could never feel this for someone, could never fully comprehend the need inside of me. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being a child, not completely carefree, but with happiness that relies on a kind word from a teacher, a new doll...not on the happiness of someone else, someone who is so pained by life that they find it hard to exist. I don't know what to do to help you. I don't know how I can make all that pain just melt away. If only I did.

Caught up in emotions
I'm out of control

If nothing else, I wish that the way I feel for you were not so all consuming, were not every second of every day. If I wasn't so lost in a dream world where you turn to me and kiss me, maybe I could function without this angst and constant thinking of a love that shall never spread its wings and fly. If only I didn't want to shout my love from the rooftops so that everyone would know that I love you, Dana Scully...

Isn't it obvious?

Do you see my hands; they tremble?

I shake every time you're near. With nerves. Anticipation. Sheer terror, sometimes. Your blue eyes seem to look right through me, and I shiver at the thought of those eyes under different circumstances. They'd still stare through me, somehow seeing straight into my soul, but they'd be softer somehow. Full of love, devotion... all the other things that I long to see reflected back at me from those pools of blue. Not the pain that is always evident if anyone cares to see it. And I care, Dana, more than I should. But it's a dream, I shall never truly see the things that I envision, however many times I close my eyes and hope. However hard I wish for them.

Wonder why I can't look you in the eyes

You approach and I stare. At the floor, over your shoulder. Anywhere but in your eyes. It's so terrifying to think that you could know how I feel about you. But how can you not? It's there, always, I know its plain for the world to see that I love you. If you were to look into my eyes, really look at me...you'd know. I don't hide it. I couldn't.

Don't know how long
I can keep this inside

I want you to know. I need you to know. If you could just comprehend this desire, maybe I would know some kind of peace. Maybe the tension wouldn't be palpable, my love for you like a third person in the room. I've come so close to telling you, and I truly believe that if Mulder hadn't arrived the night you gave birth to William, that I would have given voice to this feeling. Looking at you, so tired, but so happy, marvelling at the power of being able to give life, wondering just how something so small could be so perfect...it was incredible to see all that pain melting from your eyes as you looked down at the tiny boy in your arms. I would have told you about this feeling, taken you in my arms, and maybe, just maybe, I would never have had to let go. But that will forever just be a dream. That moment that is burned into my mind almost strongly as a real memory will never be real. The moment has passed, and I don't know if there will ever be another like it.

Isn't it obvious?

I love you Dana Scully, and even if you never know it, it will never go away. I will follow you to the ends of the earth to keep you and your miracle child safe. I will lay down my life for you if it's needed. And one day, I will share this with you, because maybe, we could be happy. Maybe you'll let me be the one to try and take your pain away. But until then, my dreams shall remain inside me; my heart will keep my wishes locked deep inside. But my hope will survive.

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